Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Blahdder


I have a long and complicated relationship with my bladder. Twenty three years ago, newly formed and all, my bladder was unaccustomed to social niceties, and so it went as it pleased. I was an innocent kid, happily peeing, unaware of the urinary restrictions placed upon us by the wider world. Strangers who lifted me often were peed upon, much to my mother’s embarrassment.

As I grew up, I learnt of the dikats. Of a concept called toilet where one peed. My mind, body, legs and bladder worked at different speeds, sometimes leading to emergency situations and sometimes beyond help. As I climbed up the ladder of age, my bladder behaved itself apart from the occasional mishap.

School was another story altogether. My school believed in discipline, the kind where children couldn’t pee when they wanted. My bladder was most offended by these new rules, but peer pressure won over pee pressure. I often used to be the first kid to run to the loo during breaks. Any requests for ‘teacher toilet’ weren’t entertained. The only way then was to say ‘teacher fast toilet’, something I learnt quickly.

Now we have reached a compromise, me and my bladder. All through the day I do as it pleases, when I sleep it won’t disturb me. Occasionally it breaks the rules and I grumble as my dreams (usually involving Mallika Sherawat, Angelina Jolie or both) are interrupted. Life goes on though.

Last week something happened that shook the very foundations of our deal. As part of a ‘drug test’ that my new employer (yes thank you thank you, big company and all) wanted to conduct on me, I was expected to give a urine sample. Acquaintances warned me not to take cough syrups and the like. Friends hid my weed. On the designated day I presented myself at the clinic. A large woman with a Mississippi accent took care of my paperwork as I set out to do the deed in a paper cup. Then it happened. I couldn’t go. My bladder refused to co-operate. I was puzzled. Usually I am the one to know where all the loo’s in a building are. I know the nearest loo from any point, in any direction, in my university. And it was embarrassing. So I had to do the unpleasant task of telling the Oprah-lookalike that I couldn’t sample, and wouldn’t be doing so at least for some more time. She gave me a look that would make most men pee in their pants, but bladderji just wasn’t in the mood. So I sat there, reading last season’s gossip, and waited. Forty minutes later I stood up, did the job and Oprah gave me a smile and said “Thank ya honey, its fresh, coz you just made it”.

Outside I slapped my forehead. Cursed myself, slapped my forehead again. Halfway home, I felt the need to pee.

17 comments:

sthitapragnya said...

ROFL!! :D :D :D
True, Mr. Bladder Prasad can sometimes be very un-cooperative. He's moody you know! Sometimes, he'll badly want to open up in the middle of a presentation, or a meeting with a professor!
And an 'occasional mishap'??? Dude!! Seriously?
And congratulations on your new job with your 'new employer'! Hope your stint passes off without 'mishaps'!

Elusive said...

ROFLMAO!!!

Yes, yes, a disobedient bladder causes us all unwarranted embarrassments. I've had friends abroad tell me how they get homesick when they have to "really really really go!"

crumpledpapers said...

did I just read 200 words on pee????

drink a lot of water dude.... good for your health.... water does not include cola, iced teas and definitely not BEER!!

Srividya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Srividya said...

What can I say?
"(P)eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww"? :D

Hey by the way ... my blog's www.srividyaangara.blogspot.com ...check it out sometimes!

It doesn't have arresting topics like yours :D but well ... I get by :D

maxdavinci said...

to pee or not to pee is the koschin my friend!

good luck with the job anol. Remm before a drug test drink a bottle of water, always helps!

buddy said...

@karthik: bladder prasad?? lol!

@elusive: homesick? to pee? naah

@raj: heheh no beer...right

@srividya: yeah..peew!

@max: next time my friend, i drink and pee!

chocoliciousgal said...

How 'bout describing how women go to the restroom ;) ??

Coconut Chutney said...

LOL! supe(e)r!
Allow me to digress. This post reminds me of the time when my paati was reading the paper (she can read english konjam konjam) and saw the ad for the hep new coffee shop in town. She slapped her head and said "enna kandravvi?". In order to investigate, I went and saw the ad myself.
"Mocha".

:D

padmaja said...

ha ha!! that was funny!!!

vitruvian said...

he he...lol..lol....LOL...ROTFL...

matlab u start so nicely and innocently..its almost cute...
then the havoc that u wreck is amazing...!! its too too funny!

but i have one difficulty??
what the hell is "teacher FAST toilet"!!!!

swatimala said...

really funny article, though it had some parts which i could have gone widout knowing all my life...

aandthirtyeights said...

Haha. Too good. I must note, also that this word verification is "suhlsu". Haha.

buddy said...

@divs: give me time..will do it!

@lavanya: ur comment is funnier than my post :(

@padmaja: heheh

@vitruvian: Thanks! fast toilet means...urgent...nahin toh piss in pants!

@swatimala: what parts?

@aandthirtyeights: my blog knows...

maami said...

Sorry I'm late. Was in the ladies'restroom.
You see first we stand in queue, make faces at young mommy's with little girls standing outside and answering questions with gritted teeth, "Mum, will Dad buy me vanilla or mango ice cream?" while she sits on the pot swinging her little legs.
Then when we hop in, we have to take lot of time hanging our scarves, stoles, bags at various hooks, door knobs and alas even around our necks.Then we inspect the loo with fierce eyes ( is that a spot? what's that? and this? chi? phew! as the case may be); wipe the seat with paper, have a mind wrestle as we sit ( will she in the next cubicle hear me? is it lady-like to make a noise, should I flush and do it to drown the sound?) and then take time to zip up, throw the stole around our necks, inspect again, worry about door knob ( whose wet hands touched it before?) and then walk out to wash our hands, drag a comb, touch the lipstick....Why does the dumbass of my man take only a minute to piddle and twiddle his thumb outside the loo and ask me "Why so long?"

This was a fun read Bud. Right up my loo galley!Thanks and sorry if I took too much wall space!

Elusive said...

homesick = bushsick, street-cornersick, behind a car sick... get me? ;)

Vivek said...

AWESOOOMEEE!
ROFL stuff man!