Sunday, September 28, 2008

Death


I dread the thought of your birthday. Even after all this time, I can’t bring myself to think about you. When I meet anyone with your name, I feel sad. Not a melancholy silent sadness that is mature, but a raw sadness, raw and painful. One that probes the darkest recesses of my mind and wracks me with guilt. The day it happened I prayed for you. I remember the evening become night, as I constantly chanted every prayer I knew. I waited near the telephone a sense of horror creeping, increasing with every minute. I knew that something was terribly wrong. I prayed and slept.

The next morning crows cawed and you were no more. Strangely I remember nothing of that day. I cried, I must have. How the day passed I know not. Yet all the while I was conscious of a feeling of guilt. Of not having seen you for a long time. Of Mama and Mami. And Paati. I remember holding Amma. Being stoic and emotionless in front of Appa; breaking down in front of our friends. Images, snatches of conversations. Of meeting people, of a sense of doom. Bloody guilt all the time.

I barely saw Mama’s face. We were not allowed to see you. I remember being repulsed. Being scared. And today I regret not accompanying you on your last journey, a thought that pierces me. Bathing later was cathartic. Blessed sleep put me out of my misery.

For months later I was scared of the dark. And I hated you. For going away. For changing your seats in the van at the last moment. I hated you with a vehemence I did not know or understand. In vain I try to forget you. I don’t remember our joys, I vividly recall every fight we had. Vacations. Movies we saw. Of being scared and scarred on the way to manhood. Of a glorious friendship that could have been. Of a brother that was.

I feel the need for a grave. Hindus must have a grave. I need a place to mourn you. To cry beside you. I need some connection with you, however tenuous. Come back…

16 comments:

sthitapragnya said...

Stirring! Deep and morbidly dark! A gale of grueling memories! What misery hath befallen you my friend!

maxdavinci said...

* hug *

the less i say the better...

Elusive said...

*hug*

i can do only this. nothing else that matters

buddy said...

@ max, elusive: thanks :)

Liberal said...

amazing

padmaja said...

What can I say? Death is the most painful for people left behind...
I'd like to believe theories which say that death is just a shift in our consciousness. And they still exist in another parallel universe. Personally, I do believe it when something really wonderful happens on my mother's birthday... Its like a message.
Just let go of your grief and love the person, wherever he is...

swatimala said...

m glad u put this post up...may his sould his in peace

buddy said...

@padmaja: Thanks. that helps

@swatimala: yes

chocoliciousgal said...

I know mere words cant help soothe deep wounds. holding onto happy memories is the most we can do.really good post.

Srividya said...

Hang in there buddy.

maami said...

Death does leave a scar of memories. Sorry about your loss.

Coconut Chutney said...

This too shall pass....stay strong.

Viral Doshi said...

Touched... I think u told me abt this fren...
Good and vivd expression of feelings...

crumpledpapers said...

may his soul rest in peace and his memories live vividly in your mind.
don't ever forget him and every place you are is a place you can mourn him.

Live upto his name as his name itself means "The One who bestows Courage and Happiness.

God Bless you and God bless him.

Gammy said...

Deep, very

RukmaniRam said...

there is a melancholy in here thats got a grip on me now.